And the Winner Is???

Mr. Jordan kicked it off and Mr. West finished it off.

This weekend was full of winners and losers. Thank you live tv and youtube for continuing to portray the true feelings of our beloved athletes and celebrities.

The first losers are The Cincinnati Bengals:
Not only did you lose to The Denver Broncos, who will struggle to win another game for the rest of the season, but you lost to The Denver Broncos by way of the longest pass with under a minute left in NFL history. Here's a thought, play that prevent defense that supposedly prevents you from winning. I bet you have a W instead of an L if you, bat the ball down, don't touch the ball at all, have someone back deep to tackle Stokley, or if your team is not The Cincinnati Bengals and you are frankly unable to win close games. Way to go Bengals, I look forward to a thrilling season of bad play on the field and even worse play off. Oh and did I mention that you lost to the Denver Broncos?

The second loser is Serena Williams:
I know why that line judge was scared for her life. If I were told that I was going to have any balls shoved down my throat by a human that could have dominated me as easily as Serena would have done that line judge, I would have gone and tattled to my local authority figure as well. Mine just would have been the LAPD. We all know that you got caught up in the moment, you are a major competitor, and you have since admitted your mistake and asked for forgiveness, but come on Serena. Your reputation in the general population just went from muscular woman who plays tennis and wins a lot to muscular woman who plays tennis and wins a lot who will shove balls down your throat if you make her angry. That is not a good reputation to have. The good news is, all you have to do is keep winning and play a little PR game and people will forget about this little episode (Kobe, Lebron, Colt Brennan, the entire Denver Nuggets team, etc.).

The third loser is Charlie Weis:
It's over buddy. It's Michigan vs. Notre Dame in the NBC Washed Up Bowl. Winner still has a chance to bounce back into the national spotlight and may make a respectable bowl game sometime in the next five years, loser gets to finally admit that they are overrated, the rest of the nation outside of their respective state could care less about them, and their coach will be axed at the end of the season. Sorry Charlie Weis, you're out at the end of the year, and if we're lucky, before Notre Dame plays in the sparknotes.com Irrelevant Bowl. Charlie, you are overrated as a college coach, you are getting paid way too much, and your torn ACL isn't the biggest embarrassment that you will suffer as Notre Dame's coach. You do have one chance to salvage your career...beat USC. Good luck with that one.

The forth and final loser is Sprint:
Let's face it, Sprint phones and their service just suck. Period.

And the winners are.

The first winner is Michael Jordan:
Thank you for once again letting us know that you are the greatest of all time, thank you for picking all of your bones with the guy that the coach picked over you in high school to make the varsity team, Dean Smith, Jerry Krause, and Bryon Russell, and thank you for officially calling it a career. A lot of people are bashing you for speaking your mind and sounding off, but I think that it is just what you needed to inspire another generation of youth who have been told that they can't do it, they will not succeed, or they are not good enough. Michael, you used all of these people as motivation and I think your message was for all of us to take moments like these in our lives and prove our doubters wrong. We've all been told that we can't succeed, and sometimes it's just not enough to do what we were told we couldn't do. We have to rub it in our doubters face and let that person know that we were right and they were wrong. It's not rude, it's not classless, it's simply an I told you so. We love you MJ. You're still the man.

The second winner is Taylor Swift:
Sure Kanye stole your spotlight at the VMAs and she will never forget how she was upstaged, but now all of the hearts across America are going out to her. Her record sales will soar for her next album, she got to share the stage with Beyonce to finish her speech, she got to go on talk shows the following week to boost her fame, she actually received a personal apology from Kanye, and most importantly, I now know who she is because wouldn't recognized her if I ran into her until Kanye "took her spotlight" on Sunday. Congratulations Taylor, you truly are a star.

The third and final winner is Kanye West:
Once again you prove why you are the king of controversy. We all gasped when you went up on that stage and took that microphone from that teenager and we were all shocked when as of Tuesday morning you still hadn't apologized personally to Taylor. But Kanye, that's why we love you. We have no idea what you are going to do next. You were absolutely right when you said that Beyonce's video was one of the greatest of all time, because it is, but actions speak louder than words, and your actions were right in line with a spoiled artist who can't give credit when credit is due. We all know that you are the best since he lied (Jay-Z) and he died (Michael Jackson), but you wouldn't have quite the buzz about you if you didn't continue to produce public outbursts the way that only you can. Thank you for embarrassing the teenager, I can't wait til the next album comes out, and hurry up and get on twitter or get a reality show so I can find out exactly how much drama ensues when someone around you switches lanes without signaling, or the line is long at the supermarket, or heaven forbid, they mess up your order at McDonald's. Kanye West does not care about anybody, except for himself, and we love him for it.